mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
