I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
