Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im calling her cock vulture from now on
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
