when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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