that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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