Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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