Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
