tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
