all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
