Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
