i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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