who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Fuck appropriateness.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
