insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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