why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
