idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He did a backflip because drugs
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