I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I cut my penus on the lid.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
