I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
