on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
