seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
