hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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