I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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