You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
