Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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