you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
