The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize