Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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