maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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