you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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