I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
