Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
