I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
