proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
