you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
