i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
