i wish starbucks made bloody marys
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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