if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
