I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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