the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
