she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
