I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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