Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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