"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
