I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
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Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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