Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
