I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
