Jerry, you need to find god
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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