My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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