It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
