I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
