dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
