Got a toothbrush?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
