I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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