Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This baby is an asshole
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
