the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
