I looked at my own cervix.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
