There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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